For this week’s Let’s Talk, we sat down with two guardians, Mel and James*, whose teenager has come out as transgender and how they’ve endeavoured to educate, learn and grow with her.
“I feel like we're also saying to all these other kids, there are people out there who are willing to learn, there are people out there who support you, there are people out there who care about you ― you’re heard, you’re special, you’re loved,“ Mel said.
“It's not just about her, it's about a wider community of people.”
Mel and James began caring for 16-year-old Laura* almost three months ago.
When Laura came into their care there was relief ― for them and for her, they’d known she had been struggling.
Mel said before Laura came out she was withdrawn and she was angry.
The walls she put up shut them out, they couldn’t get through to her no matter how hard they tried ― it wasn’t until she was ready to talk that it all made sense.
Laura had been struggling with her identity for some time, unsure where she fit before realising she was transgender.
“The first thing we did when she came out was give her a big hug and tell her we love her,” James said.
“We're so lucky because she chose us ― she chose us to come out to, she chose us to be her support, she feels safe with us and that is something that is just such an honour,” Mel said.
Mel is 36 years old and James 46, before Laura came into their care they both were not overly educated on LGBTQIA+ communities and issues.
Since Laura came out, the two have been working to watch, read, talk and learn as much as they can.
Educating themselves on pronoun use, gender and sexuality, dysphoria, transitioning ― discovering terms they had never heard before.
“I’m not going to lie, it is a lot of work but she’s worth it,” Mel said.
“If that’s what it takes for her to feel welcome, safe and supported, that’s what we’re going to do.”
The couple said they were expecting a varied response from family and friends but were surprised with what ensued.
Those who they thought would be of the most support had not, while others ― some with strong religious faith ― have become pillars in their and Laura’s journey.
"We’ve copped the ignorance right across the board,“ James said.
“We’re basically like, if you don’t want to be involved, that’s fine, just don’t come to our house ― don’t make her feel uncomfortable because she’s part of our family now.
“We’ll meet you somewhere else but if you’re coming into our home, you have to respect the way it is.”
They’ve experienced people using the wrong pronouns on purpose or referring to Laura as her dead name, denying who she is and minimising her identity to “just being young”.
“I find that people seem to just get angry, I think it's coming from a place of ignorance and a lack of understanding,“ Mel said.
“And to be honest with you, especially for a kid of her age, I don’t see someone doing all this work, putting themselves in a position where she can be looked at as strange or misunderstood when teenagers are already looked at like that anyway,
“I don’t see a child or a teenager putting themselves in that position if that’s not how they’re feeling and people just think, ‘well, I don’t agree with it so there must be something that you’re doing wrong’, that’s not it at all.”
A recent study on the health and wellbeing of transgender Australian adults saw alarming results.
With 928 participants, lifetime diagnosis of depression was reported in 73 per cent of people and anxiety in 67 per cent.
Sixty-three per cent reported previous self-harm and 43 per cent had attempted suicide.
To ensure they are providing the utmost support for Laura, Mel and James have been seeking assistance from local diversity organisations.
They said through facing areas of discrimination, despite the frustration, they’ve been able to at least comprehend reactions.
“I think from a male's perspective, I think fathers are embarrassed and I think fathers need to know, just to get over that, you might not agree with it or understand it but at least try to get educated,“ James said.
“I can understand because now when we talk about Laura as her past self, we do it in past tense, like she’s died, basically,” Mel said.
“And that was hard because even though Laura is the same person, there was and is still memories. There’s photos she doesn’t like looking at and we don’t display them because we don’t want to make her uncomfortable.
“It is as though that person has died, so I do understand a parent’s reaction I suppose, in a way they’re grieving for their child that is no longer and I can completely understand that.
“But I also feel like they have gained another child, and a happier child.”
Mel said when Laura came to live with herself and James, she had been just that.
“I heard her laugh for the first time since she was a child, and I mean like belly laugh, and I cried because I haven’t heard that in so long.”
* Names have been changed to protect those in the story.
∎ Caitlyn Grant and Megan Fisher are opening the conversation for young people on all things from mental health to success stories in their weekly column, Let’s Talk. If you or someone you know has a story, contact caitlyn.grant@mmg.com.au or megan.fisher@sheppnews.com.au