As 2022 comes to a close and 2023 looms on the horizon, I’ve decided to announce my policies for the next year.
“Policies?” I hear you ask. “What for?”
“Yes,” I reply, giving a yes/no response to a question that absolutely cannot be answered with a yes or a no.
Am I in a position of power to deliver these policies? Absolutely not. Am I standing in any elections? No, dear reader, I am not. Will I be petitioning our current leaders to enact any of these promises? No, I’m on leave and my phone is off. Get off my lawn.
Anyway, here we go, my policies for 2023 are as follows.
Removing the traffic lights outside Harvey Norman
This is my least favourite thing about Shepparton. Some people might say a lack of amenities, or it being too hot, or it being too flat, or issues with crime or something along those lines, but what really gets my goat is the traffic lights at the entrance to Harvey Norman in Kialla.
Why are they there? Who designed them? Why is someone turning in or out of them every time I want to drive past? Honestly, speaking as someone with no urban planning or design experience or knowledge, the entry to Riverside is an urban planning and design nightmare and those lights should be abolished because I don’t like them. Gosh it feels nice to get that off my chest.
Also the McIntosh St lights can stay but never be turned on, because it seems funny and the sort of thing you’d see in Parks and Recreation or Utopia.
Nap rebates
I like naps. Everyone likes naps. I believe people should be compensated for them. Thus, in 2023, everyone will be eligible for a nap rebate. Just show a receipt of your nap at the money store and they’ll give you, I dunno, $50. Go buy yourself something nice, you deserve it.
Removing that weird metal plate on Corio St that bangs every time you drive over it
There’s a weird metal plate on Corio St near the intersection with High St, not far from Shingo’s, that makes a loud noise when someone drives over it. It’s in the middle of the road, which means people drive over it a lot. Meaning it makes a lot of noise. You see what I’m getting at here?
Also, I guess we’ll fix all the other bad roads, sure, that can be part of the policy. Fix all the roads, but especially the weird metal plate on Corio St. This feels like a vote-getter —if I needed votes to enact these policies, which I don’t.
Free jelly beans on tap
The scientists say it can’t be done, as jelly beans aren’t a liquid. Publicans keep calling the police when I badger them about it. No-one seems ready for jelly beans on tap, but that’s the curse of being a visionary. This is the way of the future, and we’re going to prove it by legislating jelly beans on tap.
Especially as we get to the hottest time of the year — who doesn’t want to knock off work early, roll down to the pub and have a nice cold glass of jelly beans? Exactly. Make it happen, people.
Someone to realign my house
Hey, I made no promise these policies would benefit anyone. Currently, the back wall of my bedroom sits baking in the sun every afternoon. This sucks in summer, when my room is better described as an oven and the ceiling fan is about as much use as a wet piece of celery.
I’d like my house realigned so a part of the house I don’t use — the garage, or my housemate’s room, for example — faces the sun and my room is nice and cool. Also, if we can rotate the backyard by 45 degrees and pop a 10- or 15-year-old tree in there for some shade that’d be stellar. Cheers.
The following things are now outlawed
Law and order is a crucial part of our policy platform, and we will be focusing on the following crimes that will be outlawed from January 1.
Driving behind other people while using high beams on the Hume (and all other roads). Punishment: Death.
Changing your own name in the group chat (unless you’re being self-deprecating and/or it’s really funny). Punishment: Relentless mocking.
The temperature sitting above 30ºC between 9pm and 7am. Punishment: I call all of the Bureau of Meteorology meteorologists mean names until they turn the temperature dial down.
My car breaking down, malfunctioning, or for any other reason not working. Punishment: Exile to Broadford.
Reading this stupid list of stupid policies. Punishment: Death (sorry).
Happy 2023 under my new glorious regime, comrade.