You won’t be surprised to hear that my inbox has been flooded this week from my four-legged friends, terrified about being eaten by a Haitian immigrant... or any homo sapien. Take this email from Louis, a German short-haired pointer of my acquaintance:
Dear General
I need your help. I know you campaigned for years against the annual dog-meat festival in Yulin, China and I thought you had won the battle – but now they’re eating dogs and cats in America. The Donald said so in his debate last with with Kamala Harris, so it must be right. He said “In Springfield, they’re eating the dogs, the people who came in. They’re eating the cats. They’re eating the pets of the people who live there.”
That skinny bloke next door has been giving me strange looks lately. I’m distraught. Can you do something?
Louis
Leitchville
Dear Louis
You are right to be concerned. There is a madness enveloping the world and it will be up to sensible dogs to straighten it out, if we don’t get eaten first.
I have to confess at the outset that my campaign was unsuccessful. I embarrassed the Chinese government enough to stop the Yulin festival but it just went underground – the BBC reported recently that around four million cats and 10 million dogs are still slaughtered in China every year.
The good news is that they are mostly strays. Many Chinese people love their dogs, but obviously they have to keep a close eye on them. The main thing is to stick close to your owner and try not to get lost.
Mind you, it’s not just the Chinese: dog-eating remains an untidy habit in Vietnam, South Korea, Laos, Cambodia, Thailand, the Philippines and the Nagaland region in India. The only thing likely to slow it down is the growing risk of rabies being passed on to humans, which is not a pretty sight.
Speaking of which, you’d have to say The Donald looked remarkably like a rabid dog during last week’s debate as he dumped his conspiracy theory on the poor Haitian immigrants, defended the size of his rallies and lamented that Joe was no longer on the ticket.
After all, this is the stable genius who advised his fellow humans to swallow bleach to ward off COVID-19 and boasted how he looked directly at the sun during a solar eclipse.
Perhaps that’s why The Donald couldn’t look at Kamala Harris at all – he looked straight ahead with an angry scowl. Yet, for reasons we dogs can’t explain, half of America still thinks he can run the economy better and sort out those dog-eating immigrants.
Now he’s just blamed Kamala for causing his second assassination attempt, encouraged by his new billionaire mate Elon Musk, who (in a post on X) wondered why “No-one is even trying to assassinate Biden/Kamala.” There’s another stable genius.
My advice is to stay home, Louis, and hold on tight. Woof!
The General