It would be a contradiction to say it’s no secret Melbourne is riddled with hidden bars — after all, if they were indeed hidden, it would be a secret.
Publicans would be going out of business left, right and centre due to a lack of clientele if no-one could find their dwellings. But some city folk are privy to the existence of these little-known watering holes and have made a business taking out-of-town visitors (and the less clued-up residents among them) on tours to them.
When the city once boasted (an impressive? a shameful?) pub for every 100 residents, it’s no surprise not everyone knows about every bar that exists in the still largely populated industry.
My friend and I could have gone to Melbourne and done our own rogue pub crawl, wandering into any establishment we happened upon, and no doubt found some gems.
But then we might’ve come across as a pair of uncultured booze hags just there for the cocktails. So, instead, we disguised our objective by joining Drinking History Tours’ ‘Hidden Bars and Creepy Tales’ expedition around the CBD one Saturday afternoon.
Perfect if you like your margaritas with a side of grisly narration. While the storybook-themed flaming, hanging and swinging cocktails, served in genie lamps, on pendulums and in geometric honeycomb cradles at the most fabulously magical little bar I’ve ever stepped foot inside — Storyville — were interesting, alcohol itself (as a consumer, not a creator) is not all that interesting.
Of course, some of the things humans do while affected by it can be described as interesting, yet still not as interesting as discovering the Queen Victoria Market was built on top of a cemetery containing 10,000 bodies, of which only a thousand were exhumed before earthworks began.
Not as interesting as hearing about the murders associated with the Capitol Theatre or the violent feud between fortune tellers inside another city market that ended in a gruesome death.
It is not as interesting as listening to tales about the folk who’d paint themselves in phosphorescent paint and walk the dark streets pretending they were ghosts and then later develop mental impairments from the toxic ingredients and come to believe they were actually ghosts.
It is not as interesting as discovering there have been books written by acclaimed historians with compelling support for their theories that Jack the Ripper settled in Australia and paranormal researchers who believe his ghost haunts none other than the beautiful Hosier Lane.
There were so many captivating historical stories interwoven at perfectly timed intervals between bars during our three-hour tour that I cannot possibly recall them all. And I promise that has everything to do with information overload (Melbourne has a fuller dark history than I ever imagined) and nothing to do with cocktail overload.
While I’ve heard whispers of the city’s bars you enter through walls behind clothing racks at the back of retail stores or through fridge doors at convenience stores, we didn’t go to any quite so obscure on our travels on foot along cobbled laneways between the city’s antiquated buildings.
I believe tour guides mix up the bars they visit for each tour, so I don’t think I’m delivering any spoilers listing the establishments our group patronised. Besides the aforementioned Storyville with its hanging wisteria, walls ‘growing’ luminescent toadstools, functional wooden swing and fairytale detail in every other nook and cranny, we visited two other bars.
Workshop was a beautiful space, with high ceilings and walls adorned with inspiring artwork. We chose to sit in the semi-outdoor atrium, with real greenery growing wildly all around us, thriving in the natural light streaming abundantly through the windows.
Apparently known for showcasing brilliant and diverse musical talent, it was a fairly quiet affair during our before-dark timeslot, which wasn’t a bad thing, as it allowed us to truly take in our surroundings without the distraction of a big, noisy crowd.
Last on our list was Melbourne’s only Hawaiian dive bar, Jack & Bones. It’s a groovy little basement bar, with walls painted in island-themed neo-traditional art and cocktails served in ceramic tiki steins (among other funky vessels).
This was where we said goodbye to our group around dinner time to kick on with other activities in the city, seeing as the night was still young. Drinking History Tours says its outings are “more fun than a walking tour and classier than a bar tour”, which was undoubtedly the case.
Our guide, Lenny, was fun, friendly and bursting with local macabre knowledge. He gave us a little story teaser as we stopped by a wine bar a group visited on another tour, but he didn’t end our suspense by finishing it.
Instead, he said we’d have to return and join the Wine Bars and Whimsical Tales tour to find out how the story ended. Okay, Lenny, if you say so.
We’ll be back.
The lowdown
What: Drinking History Tours
Where: Melbourne’s CBD
Tour options: Hidden Bars and Laneway Legends; Hidden Bars and Creepy Tales; Wine Bars and Whimsical Tales; Whisky Bars and Gin Joints; Rooftop Bars and Ripping Tales
Cost: $89 (drinks excluded) — $139 (drinks included)
Duration: Three hours
More info: www.drinkinghistorytours.com